U.S. Economy Creates 157,000 Crappy Jobs

The American economy created 157,000 jobs in January, nearly all of them crappy. According to data released by the Labor Department, the greatest increase was in the Jobs Without Enough Hours sector, followed closely by Jobs With Terrible Pay. Other sectors experiencing robust growth included Dead-End Jobs, Soul-Sucking Jobs, and Jobs That Could’ve Been Done by Robots if Only Robots Were Cheaper.

Despite the uptick in new jobs, the unemployment rate increased to 7.9%, signifying more unemployed people entering the job market. This surprised most analysts because the vast majority of the new jobs were so god-awful that for most people, it’d be better to be unemployed than to actually have one of these jobs.

100 people lined up, most of them with crappy jobs

Also in the employment report, the Good-Paying Middle-Class Jobs sector continued its steady contraction over the past thirty years. Along with a precipitous decline in Career-Oriented Jobs, the report found more and more highly-qualified candidates forced to take crappy jobs out of desperation, encouraging employers to continue gutting pay and benefits from employees’ compensation packets.

In the months ahead, analysts expect further growth in Dehumanizing Jobs, Jobs People Never Thought They’d Settle For, and Customer Service.

Those You Can Trust:

How did the jobs get crappy? Maybe it was the robots.

If the robots don’t get you, consumers will.

Posted in Jobs | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

TimmyCo Believes Workers Have the Right to Work Cheaply

There are few things in life that excite TimmyCo executives like the ink drying on a new right-to-work law. Last month, Michigan passed the law through a lame-duck session of the legislature, and now there is word that Pennsylvania will take up their own version of a right-to-work bill.

Right-to-work laws are essentially gimmicks pushed by Republican legislatures to weaken the union muscle that funds their Democratic candidates. It isn’t really about creating jobs. If it was, then a significant decrease in union membership would surely mean that new jobs would abound. If this was true, with union membership at a hundred-year low, one could scarcely put a hand out a window without pulling it back in clutching multiple job offers. Where are all the jobs? Right-to-work laws don’t create new jobs, they make jobs that already exist cheaper. And that’s one of the reasons why businesses like TimmyCo give loads of money to Republican candidates. (Just in case Democrats win, we also give loads of money to them too. TimmyCo plays both sides, and with less union money, our contributions will go farther on the Democratic side. To paraphrase Calvin Coolidge, the business of America is politics).

A union can be expensive to a business. They can demand wacky things like workplace protections, higher wages, and better benefits. These things cost money. Plus, it’s not like it doesn’t matter if your business is a union shop; unions can even raise the wages and benefits of right-to-work shops in the area (5% more if you believe this shyster). They can also do some self-destructive things, which thanks to the corporate propaganda machines, get an oversized share of the publicity when compared to useful things like building a self-sufficient middle- and working-class. Overall, unions are good for workers and uncomfortable for employers.

That being said, a right-to-work law doesn’t mean that we can offer workers the right to work in conditions of our choosing, whether union or non-union. If it did, we always offer our employees non-union contracts. It only means that workers who get benefits from union deal-making don’t have to pay union dues, which essentially starves the union of the resources they need to negotiate better deals and fund Democratic politicians, who tend to favor policies that are better for working- and middle-class workers. In essence, right-to-work laws have little to no effect on job creation. They are political gimmicks used by politicians to undermine a major funding arm of the rival political party. Businesses like ours use this political tom-foolery to drive down wages and benefits of current workers so we get the same production for less money.

The broader question is, “If unions are generally good for workers, why are so many working class people supportive of anti-union measures such as right-to-work laws?” RTW politicians will say that right-to-work laws help their state be competitive and innovative, and somehow, workers have bit onto this line of reasoning. Who doesn’t want their state to be competitive and innovative? Competitive is right, but innovative is not. You see, politicians have two choices when they want to create a job: They can foster an innovative environment that grows jobs in an organic way or they can outright steal jobs that already exist from another state.

The businesses that would be attracted by right-to-work laws hate innovation. Innovation is hard, it’s expensive, and for businesses as big as TimmyCo, it’s not really something our organizational structure handles well. We actually worry about innovation. A smaller, more clever company can eat into the market share we’ve already carved up, costing us business.

Politicians aren’t really excited about fostering innovation either. Innovative companies often need government money to get started, they rarely have enough to give back to re-election campaigns, and it takes such a long time for them to create an impact-worthy number of jobs that when they do, the politicians who originally supported them are no longer around to take credit for these policies. Innovative companies also fail a lot, and politicians are deathly afraid of headline stories of companies going bankrupt after taking government money. Stealing jobs is a much-better short-term strategy.

So, at least it makes a state more competitive. In the near term, it might. As stated earlier, a right-to-work law is a political maneuver and by itself won’t encourage a business like ours to relocate. What might tempt us is that jobs in right-to-work states pay 3% less in wages and 5.3% less in retirement benefits, which along with tax subsidies and government handouts, can be a part of a balanced and nutritious relocation package.

A table showing that right-to-work states have lower wages and benefits.

Take that, union scum!

Certainly, you say, the workers will never let this happen. They will unite against us. We’ve seen it time and time again. In new RTW states, it doesn’t take long for workers to start pinching pennies on union dues, which cuts off the oxygen to the union muscle. We just have to wait a few years for the inevitable wage and benefit drops to kick in, and presto-chango, the same jobs are cheaper than before. And don’t think for a second that we’ll get any backlash from RTW states we relocate to. Those workers are so happy to have jobs that they either don’t know or don’t care that they essentially getting their money from workers in other states and taxpayers in their own, and they’re getting less of that money than the workers who came before them.

A right-to-work employee sold as an action figure

Now on sale at TimmyCo Superstores…

While these arguments are certainly salient, they generally fall on deaf ears when expressed to right-to-workers. Especially in this economy, workers who believe their jobs have been created due to right-to-work policies are glad that they have jobs, writing the complaints off as the idle grousing of lazy union-members unwilling to work as hard as they do.

“That is, until another state or county makes their jobs even cheaper,” a spokesperson for TimmyCo stated. “Then suddenly, it’s all, ‘Boo-hoo-hoo, they’re cheating!’ With workers like these, it’s no wonder we’re able to take such advantage of them.”

Deep thoughts this week:

  • Big businesses hate to innovate. They’d rather just make jobs cheaper. Right-to-work laws make jobs cheaper.
  • Politicians aren’t too keen on innovation either. They’d rather steal jobs. Right-to-work laws make it easier to steal jobs.
  • Workers and taxpayers would love innovative companies, but don’t really get that choice. On the surface, right-to-work laws sound like they might create jobs. And that sounds good, doesn’t it?
  • But wait, right-to-work laws don’t have anything to do with creating jobs. They are merely political gimmicks that companies like ours take advantage of.

Those You Can Trust:

Right-to-works laws are part of a balanced corporate welfare policy.

But everyone will ignore that we’re stealing jobs because it will look like we are creating jobs.

Those You Cannot Trust:

Business love competition among states. You know who they hate competition with? Other businesses. They’ll even use the states to prevent competition through regulation.

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The Next Innovation for Apple? The iPad Maxi.

Pity Nabisco. A long way back, they developed a cookie that can only be described as awesome: the Oreo. Sugary lardy goodness sandwiched between two wafers best described as “chocolate” in name only, the Oreo made processed food taste panderingly delicious before processed food was allowed to taste panderingly delicious. Problem was, as we will see, the Oreo’s takeover of the Fattifying Food market segment was so complete that Nabisco had nowhere to go but down.

For corporations, the American business model is based on growth. While Nabisco should be satisfied with the consistent returns from wide swaths of the calorie-loving populace, that’s not exactly lighting it up for investors. Investors want to buy shares of a company before it does something amazing, such as make a deliciously terrible cookie, then reap the rewards from a sudden jump in share price once the amazing thing happens. During this growth stage, investors eat up share after share, acting as if the company will grow limitlessly. Of course, there are always limits even to consumers’ destructive eating habits. Eventually, all the people who are going to buy cookies learn that one can only eat about five Oreos at a time before feeling nauseous. Thus, the market is saturated and growth tails off. While consumers continue to purchase Nabisco products at a steady rate, generating a constant revenue stream, the lack of new buyers of Oreos sour investors on the share price. Investors sell, prices go down, and the company suddenly looks shaky even though they are on solid ground from a fundamental revenue/cost perspective. A constant revenue stream might keep employees in jobs, but it won’t keep a CEO in one.

At TimmyCo, we believe that the best thing a company can do in this situation is to concoct all sorts of permutations for their product, hoping to taste an artificial growth bounce from the new packaging of an old winner. Nabisco has followed this advice to a tee. We’ve seen Double Stuff Oreos, Mini Oreos, Big Stuf Oreos, Oreo ice cream, Oreo cereal, Oreo cakes, Oreos in different flavors, and Oreos in different colors (you know things are bad when the company has to resort to food coloring for their latest innovation). At this point, we’ve seen about everything you can do with an Oreo aside from Oreo toothpaste and Oreo enchilada sauce.

This is exactly the problem Apple has. Apple is considered one of the world’s most innovative companies, but in reality, their last innovation was the iPhone. Since then, they have merely developed iPhones of differing qualities in differing sizes. They developed the iPod Touch, which is an iPhone without the phoning qualities. They developed the iPad, which is really just a big iPod Touch. Then they developed the iPad Mini, which can be oxymoroningly described as a mini-big-iPhone.

iPhones and Oreos getting bigger and smaller

Meanwhile, Wall Street smells trouble. When the going was good, and people lined up outside Apple stores for the launch of the iPhone NumberLetter, investors drove Apple stock up north of $700. Now, as we approach a time when everyone who will own an iPhone-type product already has one, and the people who are outside the Gadgety Device that Does Things You Can Already Do, But in a More Stylish Way market are equally likely to buy a non-Apple device as they would an Apple device, investors are realizing that maybe Apple isn’t worth $700 and Apple CEO, Tim Cook, is scared. In the past four months, Apple shares have lost $200, leaving Apple only one choice with their next product: make it bigger! Coming in 2015, the iPad Maxi. Just like a regular iPad, but as big as a TV.

A box of Mini-Wheats Big

Really, how different is this strategy than Apple’s?

“And if the iPad Maxi doesn’t work out,” a spokesperson for TimmyCo stated, “Apple can always do what TimmyCo does – lay off a bunch of workers to goose up the share price.”

Those You Should Trust:

We probably wouldn’t be so gleeful that Apple’s stock price is tanking if only they hadn’t stole our patents for the TimmyCo Brick 5000.

Those You Shouldn’t Trust:

A sure sign of panic, Apple is planning a cheaper, more colorful iPhone to compete with Samsung and Google devices. Haven’t they realized the real reason that people pay more for a iPhone is cache? Cache, which will go out the window as soon as their owners see an Apple Playskool-like phone in someone else’s hands.

A cautionary lesson for Apple investors: A few years back, the ad campaign was “Dude, you’re getting a Dell.” Now, it should be said, “Dude, you’re getting a Dell?”

Posted in New Products, Technology | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Why AIG Really Wanted to Sue the Federal Government

Last week, Maurice Greenberg, former CEO of AIG, decided to sue the Federal Government on behalf of shareholders over perceived slights in the taxpayer bailout of his firm in 2008. Although as we will see from Facebook Page of the 1%, the AIG board eventually decided not to join the lawsuit, they wanted to. Turns out, money wasn’t at the root of the issue. In the end, it doesn’t matter whether AIG joins the lawsuit. Their name is dragged into it anyway. But we admire them for the chutzpah, which seems to be the word everyone is using to describe AIG’s behavior.

A Facebook entry of AIG threatening to sue the Federal Government over bailing them out.

What AIG needs now is love, sweet love.

Those You Cannot Trust:

Where did we get the $20 billion from? From the New York Times. They also reported that AIG saved $1 billion on interest and that they could’ve done to AIG what they did to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, effectively making their shares worthless.

Oh wait, it turns out that AIG is going to sue the Federal Government after all.

Posted in Finance, Politics, The 1% | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Congressional Research Service Reissues Report on Tax Cuts. Meanwhile, No One Pays Attention.

In a story you may have missed, the Congressional Research Service reissued their report finding that supply-side economics don’t work. The Facebook Page of the 1% recounts how Congressional Republicans pressured the CRS to take the report down in the first place.

The Facebook page of the argument between the CRS and the GOP

Those You Cannot Trust:

Good luck getting through the actual CRS report. Boring.

On the Media discusses how the actual analysis in the report became a secondary story to the controversy surrounding the report. Listen to the story here.

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Why CEOs Aren’t Worried About Higher Taxes

Congress struck a compromise on the “fiscal cliff” by letting the Bush-era tax cuts expire and then re-instituting the tax cuts on people earning less than $400,000. The upshot of this is that tax rates go up on everyone earning more than $400,000. What are CEOs to do with more of their money going to the government? Well, in this post from the Facebook Page of the 1%, they handle this the way they usually do – by asking for more money.

A Facebook page where CEOs ask for more money after tax increases

We don’t know why employees are complaining. At least they have jobs.

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Avoid the Fiscal Cliff, Invest with TimmyCo’s Mattress Fund

If you get your news from Yahoo!, then you know there is a looming fiscal calamity coming with the calendar change. The U.S. economy is about to jump off the fiscal cliff, and along with the massive tidal waves and volcanic eruptions sure to happen from Congress’s failure to compromise, most “experts” are predicting a downturn in the financial markets.

Still stinging from the market crash of 2008, you might be wondering, “What am I to do with my retirement savings? I can’t take the money out without incurring withdrawal penalties. But I can’t keep the money there without losing a ton of value.” Luckily for you, TimmyCo has the ideal investment strategy for these worrisome times. Introducing the TimmyCo Mattress Fund.

The TimmyCo Mattress Fund works much like a mutual fund. For a small management fee of 2%, we will take your retirement savings and invest it in a diverse range of fiscal-cliff-proof holdings, including mattresses, cookie jars, and shoeboxes. There, your money will sit securely, losing less value than it would if you kept it in the market during these tumultuous times. Then, once the rising ocean levels subside, the coming ice age abates, and the markets return to normal, you can take your money out of the TimmyCo Mattress Fund and put it back in more growth-oriented investments (minus the 2% management fee).

The TimmyCo Mattress Fund is diversified among many hiding places in our executive management team's households.

The TimmyCo Mattress Fund is diversified among many hiding places in our executive management team’s households.

Don’t delay. There are finite spots at TimmyCo headquarters where we can stuff your money. “Savvy investors are already gobbling the prime spaces up,” a spokesperson for TimmyCo stated. “You wouldn’t want to get stuck with your money being stuffed in a potted plant or coffee can. Download a prospectus today.”

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Businesses Love Government Spending

During the campaigns, there was much hoo-hah about the government spending. Barack Obama said the government should spend less. Mitt Romney said the government should spend a lot less. It seemed that everyone agreed: government spending should be cut. Everyone, except for the business community.

Generally, the business community gave its money to Mitt Romney, but on the subject of government spending, we actually differed substantially from candidate Mitt. The truth is, businesses love government spending. Government checks are bigger, more consistent, and easily procured through lobbying dollars.

There are basically three ways a business can make money: selling to consumers, selling to other businesses, and selling to the government. Consumers and businesses are highly fickle. Sure, you can attempt to build some brand loyalty which will keep people buying your product or service, but these are cutthroat markets where businesses are constantly competing against each other to deliver more for less.

Government spending is a lot more predictable. Contracts, grants, and incentives are doled out in the millions and billions of dollars, and they last for years. That creates a nice little revenue stream. What’s more, unlike consumer and business spending, government spending is recession-proof. If the markets take a dive, the government often ramps up spending to moderate the drop-off in spending from the other two sectors. A business like TimmyCo doesn’t even need to spend money on building brand loyalty; we only need to ramp up our lobbying dollars, which at 22,000% return pay off much better than other investments.

Businesses want government spending. Businesses need government spending.

A piggy bank with a list of subsidies that corporations raid the government for

Why pay for the whole hog when you can get the bacon for free.

Continue reading

Posted in Jobs, Politics, Privatization | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Consumers Hate Employees More Than Employers Do

CEOS get a bad name because they have to do some unpleasant thing in order to goose up share price. Many people find layoffs, outsourcing, and union-busting to be distasteful, but these actions are necessary in order for executive management to continue receiving hefty bonuses from the board.

Speaking for most CEOS, we’d love to have both our giant compensation packages AND good-paying jobs for American workers. But frankly, our proverbial hands are tied by the real bad guys: consumers.

That’s right! The American consumer are really who is to blame for all the ills that have befallen the American worker. By now, they know how Walmart uses part-time scheduling, long-term temping, and overseas manufacturing to keep prices low. Does that keep consumers from shopping there? Of course not. Walmart is the nation’s largest retailer, and in the holiday buying season, most people talk about their great deals on flat-panel television sets rather than their terrible treatment of employees.

Walmart will say that they pass these savings on to customers, but since Walmart customers come from the same working class as Walmart employees, any costs savings passed on to the customers are essentially chipped off the take-home pay of the workers. In the best-case scenario, this would result in a break-even position. Once you factor in outsourcing that rewards customers a little and penalizes workers a lot, and the cut executive management takes out of every transaction, it’s easy to see that the better consumers do, the worse they actually do when their advantages are gained at the expense of workers.

If consumers ever figured this out, they could easily change their buying habits and shop at retailers that offer employees living wages and reasonable benefits. A little bit extra from consumers could actually help employees a lot, which in turn, means more money in the pockets of working class families, which would mean more money in circulation among the businesses frequented by working class families, which would mean more decent jobs for working class families.

While TimmyCo generally opposes better treatment of their employees, we can see the benefits of raising prices and passing those benefits on to employees. Theoretically, better pay might actually help us keep workers that are any good. That is, if we ever were willing to pay to get a good worker in in the first place. We just know it is never going to happen. Consumers are so easily seduced by the best deal, if we don’t raid our employees’ piggie banks in order to give our customers the lowest prices, we know our competitors will.

A TimmyCo sales associate wears a badge that tells you how badly they are treated

“But, yes, I’m happy to help you.”

So heartless are consumers that we can get them to shop at our stores just by telling them how mean we are to our employees. If they see us laying off union activists or making employees work holiday hours or cutting hours to avoid paying benefits, they naturally assume that our prices are lower. The great thing is that we don’t actually have to pay offer the lowest price. Customers will come to TimmyCo stores expecting the lowest price, even when independent businesses are offering the same price. When this happens, it’s our favorite scenario: consumers pay more, employees get less, and executives and shareholders rake in the profits.

“We call this a lose-lose-win, and it is ideal,” a spokesperson for TimmyCo stated. “Consumers lose, employees lose, but management wins. It happens more than you think.”

Those You Can Trust:

There’s no reason for us to hire you full-time if we can hire you as a temp.

At least in retail, consumers want you to have jobs. Other fields aren’t so lucky.

In an anecdotal story, this summer an executive at TimmyCo went to two stores to buy a car seat. The big box store and the independent store sold the same car seat. You’ll never guess which one was cheaper? The independent store even had their associate show him how to install the seat in his own car. A TimmyCo employee would never be willing to do that.

Those You Cannot Trust:

Marketplace has a series of stories on Walmart employees. In this one, warehouse workers are hired as “permatemps” to prevent them from getting benefits. These workers don’t actually work for Walmart but a contractor, insulating Walmart from the bad PR.

In this Marketplace story, a part-time worker at Walmart looking for full-time work only makes $12,000 a year. Where does he shop? Walmart.

When consumers win, both them and employees lose. What if employees win? If retailers raised wages to $25,000 a year, it could only cost consumers 16-18 cents per shopping trip. But we’re confident people won’t read this. It’s too long and written to sound “sciency.”

If we pay so terrible, how do we find these workers? Today’s low-wage workers beget the next generation of low-wage workers.

This is an old story, but instructional of how Walmart’s pressure to keep prices low forced manufacturing jobs overseas in the late ’90s and early 2000s. After the Great Recession, people blamed manufacturers, management, and politicians for the job losses, but it was the consumer who did it.

Walmart isn’t just bad for employees, it’s bad for communities. Seems that consumer dollars get reallocated to poorly paid Walmart employees from better paid employees at other retailers. These workers either lose their jobs or are forced to take pay cuts for their employers to remain competitive.

Posted in Benefits, Jobs, Shopping | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

TimmyCo Is Hiring…Losing Politicians

Following election day, the unemployed ranks swell with the flotsam of political process. For every political candidate who gets to plan the drapery of his or her wood-paneled government office, there is usually at least one other who is now looking for work.  There are the young upstarts who ran against the odds, and from TimmyCo’s perspective, they can keep taking on those odds. Then there are the well-established candidates who lost tight elections against other established candidates. These people might be of interest later. But at this time, there is a real value in a third kind of political loser: the incumbents who have lost their job.

As many people know, TimmyCo is reluctant to hire people. But in the post-election season, there is a veritable cornucopia of fine, fine ex-legislators to bring on staff.

Unlike entry-level employees and middle management that must prostrate themselves to the altar of TimmyCo during their interviews, we don’t expect ex-politicians to know anything about TimmyCo before we hire them to executive management positions. That’s because we don’t hire them for their strategic vision or industry expertise, which is typically what a firm would want from their executive management. No, we are merely buying connections and influence (and rather cheaply at that).

You see, ex-politicians know how to get a corporate handout written into law. They know which committee member we need to lobby to get a tax incentive inserted into a bill, they can write an earmark so that no one knows it’s an earmark, and they know which committee chair owes them something and would be willing to stuff pork into an otherwise benign bill.

We make just as much money whether we donate to winning candidates as if we hire losing candidates

Whether a candidate wins or loses, we win…and America loses.

The best thing is that these ex-politicians basically pay for themselves. In exchange for their lucrative benefits, they can steer pork towards TimmyCo, resulting in an exponential return on investment.

They win too. The hours are shorter, the pay better, and if they still harbor hope of a return to politics, they can brandish their business credentials from their time at TimmyCo. It’s a win-win. In fact the only one who loses is the American people.

“If you have experience navigating pork through the legislation process,” a spokesperson for TimmyCo stated, “or you have a personal relationship with the people who do, you don’t need to call us. We’ll call you.”

Those You Can Trust:

Of course, if we could get a robot to our lobbying for us, we’d prefer that.

Those You Can’t Trust:

Want to see which former senators and congresspeople took jobs with lobbying firms after Congress? Open Secrets keeps a database.

Remember Tim Pawlenty? He ran for President, didn’t even win a primary, and now he is CEO of a Wall Street lobbying consortium, the Financial Services Roundtable. Kai Ryssdal of Marketplace tries to pin the blame of Wall Street lobbying firms doing their best to slow down Dodd-Frank legislation, but in true politician form, he wiggles out and blames the other guys for the delay. You can’t buy this skill. Well, actually you can, and we do.

Why is lobbying such a good investment? It returns 22,000%.

What you don’t know usually hurts you, but in this This American Life/Planet Money piece, what the politicians didn’t know actually might just help the people. Lobbying for good, and not evil. That just makes us sad around here.

Posted in Jobs, Politics | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment